JOKES
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FAMOUS DOG QUOTES
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the
need should arise for them to
bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --
Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before
lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite
people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain
that he can hold his own in the conversation." Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery
store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the
greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --
Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can, That's
almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will
go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to
the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog
that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him," -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei,
Taiwan
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --
Josh Billings
Holbrook Jackson "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." Andrew A.
Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his
love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You
owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is
the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." --
Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I
am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most
fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben
Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." Edward
Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the
dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --
Unknown
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where some women go to dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labor-saving devices.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
At a U.N. gathering, actress Shelley Winters and a dignified nun walked up to sign
the guest register at the same time. Miss Winters, anxious to get the ceremony over
with, didn't know she had stepped directly in front of the nun until her companion
cautioned her, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelley."
The first astronaut to reach the moon had barely climbed out of his rocket ship when
a host of peculiar-looking men descended upon him. they had faces made of green tin
with eyes that looked like the headlights of a Manhattan subway train. "Who are
you?" gasped the astronaut. "We are the Furries," explained the
little men. "This part of the moon is our domain." "Good
enough," said the astronaut, with a nod. "Now please take me to your
leader." It developed that the leader looked just like all the other
Furries-with one additional feature. Out of the top of his head grew a large
hypodermic needle. "Wh-what do they call you?" stammered the astronaut.
"I," answered the leader modestly, "am the Furrie with the syringe on
top."
A young man in white passed a pretty girl in a Los Angeles hospital corridor. He
cauterize and winked. She intern winked back.
Last, but far from least:
Two of Newcastle's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are
experts at rigging sailing ships on the side. Natives agree that although Dick is a
mighty fine shipbuilder, he's not the rigger Mort is. (How bad can a pun get?)
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out."
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a
new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are
you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broke...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my
hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1. "Amen."
GOVERNMENT PSYCHOLOGY RE WORK
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and
bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola,and he watched a couple of men
working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move
on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new
hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the
fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said
the man with the soft can. He tossed the can into a trash container and headed down the
road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell
me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the
government," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the
other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers'
money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney, and Mike. I
dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just
because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?